skinny girls & mayonnaise

Now that sounds scandalous, doesn’t it… I pity the poor pervert trolling the web, thinking he was going to find something completely different when his Google search landed him on this page. “Steve Garvey!??”

Steve Garvey with a Dodger Dog for you

Anyway, my local grocery store was closing for renovations and selling off everything on the shelves at 50% off. I was one of the late arrivals, and missed all the good wines and gourmet products. So among other peculiar odds and ends (a squirt bottle of Welch’s jelly, some birthday candles, banana cream pudding cups), I wound up with a large package of American cheese slices. Processed food at its finest. I like to pride myself on eating practically no processed food. But I figured the cheese would make good grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids. Except that the kids, raised on fine cheddar and goudas and Emmental and camembert, refused to touch the stuff. So dad wound up enjoying grilled cheese sandwiches and gooey quesadillas. Maybe subconsciously, I planned it that way.

I have foodie friends from the east coast who have White Castle burgers covertly delivered to their home. I’ve never quite understood the appeal of the tiny square burgers with the reconstituted onions. But I do get the allure of the guilty pleasure — a seductive convergence of engaging in something forbidden, rekindling cell-level childhood memories and consuming ingredients you know you shouldn’t be putting in your body.

Here, in no particular order, are a dozen-ish of my favorite guilty pleasures. I can’t consume them often, because then they wouldn’t be guilty pleasures but rather bad habits (and, therefore, wouldn’t be very pleasurable.):

• American cheese
I would never eat it by itself. I’m not even sure what it’s made of — like it’s porcine cousin, SPAM… is it food?? But isn’t it good melted into wheat bread or draped over a hamburger patty? Pure alchemy, my friends.

• Kentucky Fried Chicken
I’ve had all kinds of fried chicken, from fancy retro-Americana diners to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles to real soul food dives in the South. And I still don’t think anyone has bested the Colonel.

• Cheetos cheese puffs
Impossibly orange, this is the stuff snack food nightmares are made of. But man, they are soooo good.

• Dodger Dogs
There are better options at the stadium — Jody Moroni’s Sausage Kingdom, Gordon Biersch, etc. But somehow nothing satisfies like a classic Dodger Dog, limp and steamed in its bun, all slathered with mustard, ketchup, onions, relish and jalapeños. Gives you a reason to get out to the stadium during the dark days of McCourt ownership.

• Bon bons
An ice cream renaissance in the past couple decades has led to a glut of delicious gourmet ice cream options. But nothing takes me back to the anticipatory bliss of childhood like that old movie theater favorite, bon bons.

• McDonald’s sausage & biscuit
With a cup of coffee, if there’s a better breakfast out there I have yet to find it.

• Japanese crack snacks
I did a whole post on these MSG-coated treats. Read more…

• Pepperoni pizza rolls
In your frozen food section… I don’t even know what’s in these little bad boys. But they sure are tasty!

• Salami sandwiches on white bread with Lay’s potato chips
When I was a kid, my father — under the guise of spending time together — would convince me to watch golf matches with him on TV on the weekend. There was nothing more boring than watching golf on TV. But to make it more appealing, he would take me to the local market where we would buy salami, Dutch cracked white bread, Lay’s potato chips and mint ice cream bars. At home, we’d make salami sandwiches with mayo. I would put the Lay’s on the sandwich. I couldn’t replicate this particular guilty pleasure today — the market has long since closed, and it wouldn’t be the same with any other bread or salami. Lucky for my arteries, I guess…

• Pub fish n’ chips
Whenever I’m in a pub, I get fish n’ chips. I drench them in malt vinegar and put enough salt on to melt black ice off a winter street in Fargo. Somehow, washing it all down with a hoppy ale makes it seem alright.

• Jack in the Box tacos
Two for .99 cents! How can you beat that? Plus they fry the whole doggone thing, lettuce and all!

What are some of your favorite guilty food pleasures? Let us know.