skinny girls & mayonnaise

People often give me food. Some people give a bottle of truffle oil or some special salt as a thoughtful gift. Other people, usually family, will drop off cakes or leftovers from parties or wilty vegetables as they attempt to clear out their fridge and lighten their own load. “I brought you some food!” they’ll say. Still others will bring us food when they go on vacation or discover their child is gluten intolerant.

Sea Tangle kelp noodles

Sometimes the “gifts” are useful, sometimes they are not.

I hate to waste anything. I used to feel guilt throwing away unwanted food gifts, and then I would feel resentment toward whomever gave them to me for not having the courage to throw away their own food. I don’t feel that anymore. If my sister gives me a bruised, squishy avocado, into the composter it goes.

Recently someone gave us some food, and I can’t recall who. But among whatever they gave us was a bag of kelp noodles. “That looks disgusting,” I remember saying. “I’m sure you can figure out something fun to do with them,” whoever it was replied. I’m always game to try something new, and I typically like seaweed-related foods, especially if I’m cooking Asian. So I thought it might be an interesting challenge to decide what to do with the kelp noodles.

I had a plan — I just happened to be preparing Japanese food, and was going to be broiling some black cod. So I would make an Asian-style noodle with ginger, cilantro, peanuts and fish sauce, upon which to serve the fish.

And then I tasted the raw noodles.

I should’ve suspected trouble from the brand name — Sea Tangle. The second clue this might not end well came as I tried to take the noodles from the package. It was indeed a tangle. And the more I pulled on the “noodles” trying to get them out, the longer they stretched, like briny rubber bands. The entire mess was, actually, very much like one of the tangles of kelp you find when you’re walking along the beach — minus the little flies.

And now, without further digression, back to the “taste.” In addition to being “mineral-rich,” “low in carbs,” and “free of all allergens,” the packaging promised “Neutral taste,” which I’ve never seen as a benefit bullet point before. Indeed, the crunchy strings at first had no taste. But the longer you chewed — and chewed and chewed — the more your tastebuds detected a vaguely paste-like, chemical aftertaste. Not at all what you would expect of a natural raw food product. But then again, I’m a fan of cooking.

I spit the wad of chewed up raw kelp noodle food into the trash. My black cod I served on a bed of hastily pickled cucumber.

My vegan, gluten-free, raw-food fanatic friends might say I never gave the Sea Tangle noodles a chance. Perhaps they are right — maybe had I floated the noodles in a lemongrassy coconutty Thai broth, they would’ve been delicious. Maybe if I’d only stir fried them with peanuts and shrimp and fish sauce, they’d have been liberated from their stringy, pasty flavorlessness and sung. Maybe.

My only question remains…

Who gave me this!???